Like a fine wine, we get better with age and also still laugh at fart jokes.
1. We don’t want to go to your friend’s rave. It’s not like a man who’s five years older than you is going to be taking you out for the Denny’s early bird special ever day before promptly going to bed, but odds are those Five a.m. weeknight benders are behind us.
Two. Maybe just one shot of whiskey instead of seven of vodka. We can still drink people under the table, we just don’t want to do it at some crappy, crowded dive bar. We can pay more than $1 for drafts. We don’t want to be thrusting our way through a bunch of sweaty people to get them.
Trio. You’re going to hear stories about “the old days” and wonder why we aren’t as joy anymore. You missed our wild days and we’re lodged down now. Don’t attempt and get us to do acid again just because you want to see if we can recreate the time we went to Bonnaroo Ten years ago.
Four. We’re not always super mature. “Older” doesn’t necessarily mean we’re going to stop watching cartoons or laughing at fart jokes. Some things are timeless.
Five. We’re past the entire random hookups stage. If we’re in a relationship, we’re truly into it. None of this little-boy, screwing-around shit.
6. We know what we want out of life, and we’re very likely not going to switch it. All right, so no one knows what they truly want, but we’ve got a job, if not a career, and some money saved up, because we already did that thing where you spend all your money and then have no money.
7. We’ve learned a lot from our previous relationships. Yeah, we might also have emotional baggage, but the more time we’ve had to date around, the more we know what we like and (hopefully) how to avoid making the same mistakes we made previously.
8. We age like fine wine. I’m told we get sexier with age. Salt-and-pepper hair is evidently a big deal. Until we hit, like, 90. There are no hot 90-year-old boys.
9. Just accept our tax wisdom. Do you need help setting up automatic bill pay or your 401(k)? We’ve got you covered.
Ten. We might still have some exes in our life. It’s trussed to happen. Any decently nice fellow accumulates ex-girlfriend friends. Don’t worry about it, we’re not into them anymore. We’re into you.
11. We can be a bit stubborn. We’ve picked up a lot of habits (some bad and some good), but you’re not about to switch them. You can’t train an old dog not to eat a bag of potato chips right before bed, as they say.
12. We’re better in bed. This isn’t our very first time at the vagina rodeo, if you know what I mean. We know what works and what doesn’t.